I know all the wrong things to say:

I know that usually when a conflict arises between two people, girls especially, honesty is the best policy. But the thing about honesty is that if i honestly told people what I was thinking 95% of the time, my whole life would be a conflict. You see, i have no problem with seeing things differently then others and i have no issues with them being the same way. I dont think I should share my thoughts with anyone who actually knows me, that's why this big ol' empty internet space that no one's reading gets to hear them. And someone else, I tell him what's on my mind too, but he's in another continent and probably needed a break from my mind anyway. I miss you. Anyway, back on track...let me at least give some background to my rant, I never do that but lets get personal. So, here, at my third college, yes # THREE. I have this awesome roommate who is almost as awesome as my first roommate who's name sounds like a fruit but there is really no comparison to her, but this new one is as close as I could compare. So, this new roommate has this "fiance" and that alone, if you have ever read anything i wrote should begin to explain whats up with me and she. so this fiance also happens to be a reserve marine. and hes stationed somewhere that is not near. call me dr. fucking suess. anyway, they talk on the phone all day and if theyre not talking on the phone and they decide to text she makes sure to tell me what shes saying. and they video chat so then i get the pleasure of hearing both of them talk. She doesnt go out on weekends or at all for that matter because "she doesnt want too" but told the other girls i live with that its because if she goes out then he will "go to the strip club". so, i hope at this point that you see where i'm going. This girl, is a great girl, she is fun and i can see the wild 18 year old in her trying to break free of the life shes setting her self up for. but like most 18 year olds and hell, when i was her age i was there too, she thinks shes in love. and maybe she is and honestly that doesnt matter. but what does matter is that life does not stop. College is the last run of childhood and irresponsibility that we get. this is our last chance as people to blow it. to make stupid decisions to get black out drunk to make friends and memories this is the last great error of our young lives. This, right now, is our time and I just dont think it should be wasted on a phone. There is a world out there that is waiting to see you. And in her case there literally is, she has tons of friends that she no longer hangs out with since this "fiance" came about. I would fucking kill to have people begging me to come out with them and she just lets time pass her by. And who is she waiting for...a Marine. a whole nother issue in its self and that one i will keep to myself. So i may have mentioned how annoyed i was by her always being on the phone to the girls i live with but i did not do it in a way to hurt her feelings, i simply just was hoping that they would have some advice on how i should approach the problem but i guess they just went and told her i was "talking shit" what ever, not important. but it is true i dont know how to tell her mainly because if i say the truth about how i feel about an 18 year old locking herself in a room often crying and fighting with her boyfriend who pulls the suicide card and apparently threatens her with strip clubs if she goes out, well lets just say, i know all the wrong things to say. But honestly, yes HONESTLY, i feel bad for her, more then anything because i look back at myself and i wish i could of had some asshole tell me what was really up. I mean i wouldnt of listened and it wouldnt of mattered but i should of heard it...oh yeah, i did hear it. from my mama. who i didnt listen to, as usual. Mama is always right.


and im not spell checkin or grammerin so bite it.

Turtle Talk (poem)

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He said:

"We’re basically turtles, hard shells on the outside guarding our soft interiors."

And she turned to him and said:

Some of us are soft on the outside but hard on the inside, an open book but only until page 7 and hey, some of us are novels.

“Well, I only read the introductions to most long books”

Sometimes it’s hard to get through the first few chapters, but don’t you ever want to know the ending?

“I guess I never started a long book that I wanted to finish”

so she said:

I guess I’ve never met a turtle who’s shell I wanted to crack open…

He chuckles, turns and he fades away.

That lake sky, grey on that late summers day

Those flocking seagulls bound together

Cooing their caws

Screeching out, wondering if this is their last summer together, ever.

That cold North Country breeze couldn’t compare to the chills you made her feel.

Everything felt like hail.

And as the last page turned the intro was over.

The turtles stepped into the lake

And swam away

And that shell, never even cracked.  

(this was quick and unfinished but here it is)

Repitittion:

I've noticed a repeating element in all my let downs and that would be me. I guess now would be the time to take a stand to my "negativity" but the thing is, I am not negative. I am complex and confused, I am honest in my outburst and in all my uncontrollable actions, I am me. I would sit here and try and say that I will change but I don't think I can and if I did I wouldn't really be me anymore. If I was this ball of negativity that I had almost believed myself to be, I would not know love and positivity on the levels that I do. I would not understand the beauty in the simplicity that I do. I would not be the emotional mess of a person that I am. Emotions, at least when they come from me may seem negative, but they are raw. I am a raw person. I am an open book with pages just anxiously waiting to be filled. I am a hot mess in both actuality and the realities of my mind. I am exactly who I am whenever I decide I am it. And if you don't like me for me and you think another girl is better for you, so be it. But do not make excuses for your commitment issues. I am a greater risk then gain but if you take that risk you will gain. I am an optimist and I am sure life gets better. I know that to create the world i want I must confront the things that i don't want. I am upfront and guarded. I am reckless and irresponsible and I am sorry that i could not be the girl that you wanted me to be, I really am so fucking sorry. But I am not sorry for being me.