Four paws and Imagination

As a lonely child,

I would tap on the glass of his cage.

I called him “Picasso”.

I imagined that he could paint teeny tiny pictures

Only in a way that his mini paws could do.

Behind his nose and whisker mask,

To me, was the ghost of artist’s past.

With his stubby tail and sharpened nails,

Baby bear ears and logical cat fears,

He was the reincarnation,

My fluffy ball of silent friendship.

My 20th century art sensation.

Gods and Goblins

Im gonna go perform this in a bit. Kinda nervous, I feel rusty. 

This one is for anyone who has ever loved someone who has made the same mistake time and time again.

Last night, you stuck a needle in your arm as you begged for God.

You rocked back and fourth like you were a child in your Father’s arms.

As if you were crying out, “Daddy, Save me”

But the look in your eyes matched the daemons in your mind and they whispered

“just one more taste and maybe this time we’ll find that sacred place”

You used to be my NASA Cadet,

Launching out of this would.

Claiming, “there just isn’t enough space”

You once told me that you could eat a whole rose bush without feeling the thorns

But today you couldn’t even blow a wish from a dandelion.

So I, made a wish for you.

Our vertigo, mirrored green eyes, starred at each other with doubts.

8 years, with and without, but still, deep down, all I think about is you.

Not the you in front of me.

The you buried deep inside of me, with all that time and those memories of when we were kids.

When the sky was so fucking blue and perfect that it was disgusting

And when we would try to count to summer stars on those quiet nights.

We must of tried to count them a million damn times before we learned that

“hey kid, some things are just that impossible”

I wanna believe that getting you back is possible.

When we would steal bottles of wine and chit chat and watch the fire flies with all the kids we called friends even if we never saw half of them again.

When you protected me and I thought you were SO annoying.

When you told me boys were evil,

But I still continued to fall for them.

Well its your turn now,

I Wont let you fall again.

This morning when you woke,

You looked surprised.

But you survived.

And this could be a new day or another one full of self demise.

Just tell me that you wont keep closing your casket while you’re still alive.

The most healing thing you can do is reminding yourself everyday, that you are not alone.

That when you want help, I’ll always be home.

If everyday you fight one more day then I promise you will always have another day.

Bitter sweet feeling of being half OK with this whole:

So,
For the last few months I have absolutely hated where I was and I craved Brooklyn in a disgusting way that an anorexic person craves a cheese burgers but knows that they will not have it. But since the dawn of this semester, it's not so bad, not so bad at all. I would even venture as far to say that I am enjoying myself. Perhaps it's because I dwelled on a negative beginning but in all reality it worked out so perfectly because had certain events not happened i would be trapped with superficial retards and now I am willing friends with a great group of positive, fun and good people. At the end of the day, there is no place like Brooklyn but when I finally stopped comparing the two I realized that this frozen tundra is not so bad.

Big Brother, I AM NINE NOW! (Persona)

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Dear Big Brother,

I am nine now!

I swim six days a week now

And I have two cats now

I even sleep in my own bed now.

Big brother,

I don’t believe in Santa anymore

And for that matter,

I don’t believe mommy anymore either.

As it turns out,

There are quite a few things I’ve been lied to about.

There is in-fact,

No Santa,

No Easter bunny;

Not even a tooth fairy!

And not ONE kid in my whole class had ever heard of the “splinter Fairy”

So I guess Mommy and Daddy just totally made that one up.

They even tried to replace Mittens Fluffy Pants,

The hamster you bought be for my fourth birthday.

Well,

He died.

And they thought they could just

Put another fat black hamster in the cage

And I wouldn’t notice.

I noticed,

Because,

 I’m nine now.

Big Brother,

Do you know what it is like to be lied to?!

Do you know how many times I have cried?

For you.

Big Brother,

I am nine now!

And its time that I know the truth

It’s time that I really knew about you.

Big brother,

I don’t know where you are,

But I know where you are not.

You are not in college.

Big sister is in college,

She comes home and stays for a long time,

She calls home,

Every single day,

Big sister sends us packages with stuff from her college.

Me and Emma even got to help her move in,

She let us make her bed.

Big sister is in college right now,

But you are not.

Brother,

I don’t know where you are

Or why no one will tell me.

Why wont anyone tell me?

I mean,

I am nine now!

Its about time that I know!

NOW!

Brother,

I promise,

I wont even tell Emma,

She’s only five now,

We’ll make her wait till she’s nine,

But I

I am nine now!

So Kevin,

Please write back and tell me where you are right now.

This is the fourth birthday that you didn’t come to

But from everything I hear,

You love me!

So just tell me where you are,

Now.

Love your Big Baby Sister,

Anna

23

23,
You know,
That's not so old.
23,
That's 50 years of life to look forward to.
23 years,
That is 23 years of memories
23 years,
of love.
I know that they haven't been 23 golden years,
But they have been 23 years.
23 years that we had to love you
15 wonderful years where you loved  us back
15 years of life
15 years before you lost control.
15 years before drugs took their hold.

How many times do you have to walk down the wrong road to accept that the direction is not going to change?

8 years of misery,
for all of us.
8 years of waiting,
for you to come back.



this isnt done.

Not so Merry:

When I was in the 8th grade, a teacher made a comment to me about how much like my brother I was. I stared him down because I had nothing to say. That was one of the only times a teacher had to call home about me. My Mom asked me what happened and explained that the teacher had called home saying that I stared him down with an "evil look" on my face. My Mom wasn't happy with me but then I explained what he said to me. She didn't get it, no one ever really does. Needless to say, I got in trouble and was forced to apologize. I still think about that day, a lot. That was the first time I was ever offended when being compared to my brother. Something that i previously would of taken as a great honor. My brother, who I once worshiped and looked up to, the same person that I had once annoyed and tried with all my might to embarrass in front of his girlfriends. The brother that I wanted so badly to impress that I in-lined skated and was able to drop into 15 foot bowls at the age of 12, because he taught me. The brother who taught me how to fake sick from school so we could stay home on the same day. The brother who told me his manhunt spots when he felt he was too old to play, leaving me the best hider on the block. The brother who gave me the tough love I needed when I let my emotions get the best of me. The only person who ever promised me that I was perfectly ok being the person I was, and not to be afraid of what anyone thought about me. The best big brother a little girl could ask for and he was mine, until the drugs took him.
It started slow, it was a slow cross between what I thought was him growing up and what my Mom knew was him losing himself. The culture that made him so great was destroying him. The same guys that created the great skateboarder that he was known as were the same ones who handed him the very thing that destroyed him. A catch 22, as he once tried to explain to me, drugs took the fear out of doing the tricks he was afraid to try. The very thing that glorified him created the problem that took his glory away. At that point I still had room for understanding, that ship has long sailed and crashed onto an abandoned  island somewhere deep in my mind.
 I guess where I'm going with this, or intended on going, is that it's almost Christmas and he wont be home, again. Which sucks for a million reasons. My little sisters are really not so little anymore. The 5 year old truly doesnt know him and that really really breaks my heart. I mean, she loves him because she feels the love that we have for him through us. The 9 year old does know him. I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing that she got to experience a few years of his charm, maybe she would be better off not really knowing him, because then she wouldn't really miss him. But for the few short years that he was still human enough, he loved her with all his heart. He would push her around on his skateboard and show her off to all his friends, the proud big brother that I once knew, that's the big brother that she got to experience.
My Mom is so broken that I don't even know what to say to her anymore. Just on Thanksgiving alone, her eyes were so glossed over and it was so obvious that she was holding back a years worth of  tears. But she is used to this, she knows to be strong in front of everyone. But behind closed doors she is begging for her family to be complete. Endlessly searching for the answers to "what did I do wrong" but the answer is obvious. Nothing, she never did a thing wrong, it is not my mother's fault. She did everything and more that a single mother could do. She never once let us feel like we were missing something, she was the coolest mom a kid could have, the best mom. But when then she got remarried and she became the best mom in the world to her two new children and tried to be the best wife in the world all while she holds all the pain in the world in over my brother's life not really being his own. Somewhere in that mix I fall, she thinks of me as independent, someone who doesn't need their mom anymore, and that is my fault. But that doesn't mean I don't want my mom to care about me the way she does for everyone else. It doesn't mean I don't want my mom, because I do, desperately.
So this has all gotten really personal and I hope no one is reading but if you are, well, this actually is quite possibly the only meaningful thing I've ever posted on here; so, be nice.

Merry Christmas.

Fucking winter.

Winter always sucks.
You suck and I suck and this Isn't a fucking poem.
This is a rant.
I thought I knew what I was doing when I decided to do it. But now that the time is coming and you're not where I thought you would be in my life I'm not so sure I can do it. I mean, what are we doing? How can I fight the loneliness when you don't feel alone? What am I supposed to do when I know that the cure for my sadness will soon be at my finger tips? I don't know if this is working and I don't know if what I think will help even will.

Can there still be heat between us in the winter or should I accept that I have never been anything but cold to you. I have been cold to you while I was able to be warm to someone else. But you were always there. You are always there. Will you still be there when I tell you to walk away? Or maybe you changed? Who knows? I sure don't. Maybe I changed, I mean I sure hope I did, I need it. But this is just a temporary solution while I wait for what I really want. And that is wrong.

I don't wanna fill a void with something that I know will work. I want to take a chance on something that is new. But I don't like this anymore. Maybe I don't wanna do this. I don't even feel like I'm doing anything but sitting back like a retard while you live your life and I wait for you to re-enter mine. This distance is a killer. I'm not sure I want to die, yet.

Don't analyze my thoughts. Just read my crafts.