23

23,
You know,
That's not so old.
23,
That's 50 years of life to look forward to.
23 years,
That is 23 years of memories
23 years,
of love.
I know that they haven't been 23 golden years,
But they have been 23 years.
23 years that we had to love you
15 wonderful years where you loved  us back
15 years of life
15 years before you lost control.
15 years before drugs took their hold.

How many times do you have to walk down the wrong road to accept that the direction is not going to change?

8 years of misery,
for all of us.
8 years of waiting,
for you to come back.



this isnt done.

Not so Merry:

When I was in the 8th grade, a teacher made a comment to me about how much like my brother I was. I stared him down because I had nothing to say. That was one of the only times a teacher had to call home about me. My Mom asked me what happened and explained that the teacher had called home saying that I stared him down with an "evil look" on my face. My Mom wasn't happy with me but then I explained what he said to me. She didn't get it, no one ever really does. Needless to say, I got in trouble and was forced to apologize. I still think about that day, a lot. That was the first time I was ever offended when being compared to my brother. Something that i previously would of taken as a great honor. My brother, who I once worshiped and looked up to, the same person that I had once annoyed and tried with all my might to embarrass in front of his girlfriends. The brother that I wanted so badly to impress that I in-lined skated and was able to drop into 15 foot bowls at the age of 12, because he taught me. The brother who taught me how to fake sick from school so we could stay home on the same day. The brother who told me his manhunt spots when he felt he was too old to play, leaving me the best hider on the block. The brother who gave me the tough love I needed when I let my emotions get the best of me. The only person who ever promised me that I was perfectly ok being the person I was, and not to be afraid of what anyone thought about me. The best big brother a little girl could ask for and he was mine, until the drugs took him.
It started slow, it was a slow cross between what I thought was him growing up and what my Mom knew was him losing himself. The culture that made him so great was destroying him. The same guys that created the great skateboarder that he was known as were the same ones who handed him the very thing that destroyed him. A catch 22, as he once tried to explain to me, drugs took the fear out of doing the tricks he was afraid to try. The very thing that glorified him created the problem that took his glory away. At that point I still had room for understanding, that ship has long sailed and crashed onto an abandoned  island somewhere deep in my mind.
 I guess where I'm going with this, or intended on going, is that it's almost Christmas and he wont be home, again. Which sucks for a million reasons. My little sisters are really not so little anymore. The 5 year old truly doesnt know him and that really really breaks my heart. I mean, she loves him because she feels the love that we have for him through us. The 9 year old does know him. I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing that she got to experience a few years of his charm, maybe she would be better off not really knowing him, because then she wouldn't really miss him. But for the few short years that he was still human enough, he loved her with all his heart. He would push her around on his skateboard and show her off to all his friends, the proud big brother that I once knew, that's the big brother that she got to experience.
My Mom is so broken that I don't even know what to say to her anymore. Just on Thanksgiving alone, her eyes were so glossed over and it was so obvious that she was holding back a years worth of  tears. But she is used to this, she knows to be strong in front of everyone. But behind closed doors she is begging for her family to be complete. Endlessly searching for the answers to "what did I do wrong" but the answer is obvious. Nothing, she never did a thing wrong, it is not my mother's fault. She did everything and more that a single mother could do. She never once let us feel like we were missing something, she was the coolest mom a kid could have, the best mom. But when then she got remarried and she became the best mom in the world to her two new children and tried to be the best wife in the world all while she holds all the pain in the world in over my brother's life not really being his own. Somewhere in that mix I fall, she thinks of me as independent, someone who doesn't need their mom anymore, and that is my fault. But that doesn't mean I don't want my mom to care about me the way she does for everyone else. It doesn't mean I don't want my mom, because I do, desperately.
So this has all gotten really personal and I hope no one is reading but if you are, well, this actually is quite possibly the only meaningful thing I've ever posted on here; so, be nice.

Merry Christmas.

Fucking winter.

Winter always sucks.
You suck and I suck and this Isn't a fucking poem.
This is a rant.
I thought I knew what I was doing when I decided to do it. But now that the time is coming and you're not where I thought you would be in my life I'm not so sure I can do it. I mean, what are we doing? How can I fight the loneliness when you don't feel alone? What am I supposed to do when I know that the cure for my sadness will soon be at my finger tips? I don't know if this is working and I don't know if what I think will help even will.

Can there still be heat between us in the winter or should I accept that I have never been anything but cold to you. I have been cold to you while I was able to be warm to someone else. But you were always there. You are always there. Will you still be there when I tell you to walk away? Or maybe you changed? Who knows? I sure don't. Maybe I changed, I mean I sure hope I did, I need it. But this is just a temporary solution while I wait for what I really want. And that is wrong.

I don't wanna fill a void with something that I know will work. I want to take a chance on something that is new. But I don't like this anymore. Maybe I don't wanna do this. I don't even feel like I'm doing anything but sitting back like a retard while you live your life and I wait for you to re-enter mine. This distance is a killer. I'm not sure I want to die, yet.

Don't analyze my thoughts. Just read my crafts.

When Jenny let go:

She stood there and listened
she took those words feircly
she took them seriously
she stood tall for a minute
trying to unleash her confidence
but with the words that she spoke her spirits soon broke:

"Bitch, I want this to burn you
I want your skin to melt as my words seep into you

I am not here to please you, I am here to cease you.

to inform your worthless mind of the disease that is you,
to enlighten your shell of how it should be broken.
to remind you of the slump excuse for skin that is you.

hahaha

what's eating you?

Or better yet,
What are you eating?"

She said:
"step away from the food you shouldnt be eating it
you cant survive without it
but youre not living with it."

she asked:

"Did you hear that sounds?
The pathetic sound of you being you?"

And then she laughed with that cold laugh that said " you need me, but I do not need you"

And in that moment she had had enough.

she turned from the mirror and one last time promised herself that she was indeed

good enough.

she laughed and snarled and thought
"it's good that you don't need me because I am way more beautiful then you ever allowed me to believe myself to be"

Picture perfect propaganda:

Perhaps I have a few screws loose

or perhaps yours are too tight.

You say you live for a new day

well I say that I live for a new night.

You say that you are a thinker of revolutionary thoughts, 

even though you never once argued against what you were taught

You are a 21st century social media warrior- standing up for causes that you have caused

you are a rebel of the time space continuim that you have created

you are simple enough to believe everything is complex

you are cowardly enough to just embrace the world that you are expected to accept

you are a thinker of your thoughts but not a believer of your ideas

you are couragesouly living your life, brave, behind all your fears.

you are the victim of propaganda
you are the target
you are the agenda
you are living proof that it's working
you are proof that they're watching
you are proof that they are waiting.
you are helping them
empowering them,
to keep on with their creating.

you are decimating the chances and passing up with the masses to create what does not exist

you are letting your creativity to flow but not catching it

you are letting your thoughts run but they are not free enough to submit

you are becoming what they want you to be

you are running out of time to quit.

Take half of what you know and half of who you are

Take everything you love

And every thought you wondered

take all half insecurities,

and all your confidence

Take that childish spark that you still have left

and put it all together and remember to never forget,

that what people want you to believe will always be the easiest information to concieve

remember to always be careful of how you perceive things

remember to always question how people achieve things.

And you will learn to be your own person to believe in.

Want:

I want to want,
I want to want you the way someone wanted me
when i didnt want them
and
I want you to want me
the way i wanted him when he no longer wanted me
I want to want you
while you
want me.
I want to be in want with you
and you in want with me
I want to share an equal feeling of want
and equal feeling of unexplainable wanting
I want you;
to want me,
While i want you
I want
to be in want with you.



on another note:
writing the same word too many times boggles your mind. My brain hurts. i legit questioned the words existence for a second, even googeled it. how odd.



LAWN GNOMES.

Drawing a Path

So you're wondering down a winding path
and before you know it
you're at the end of a dead end road
and at the end
there is nothing;
but trees, sticks and stones

above you,
the sky is as blue as a newborn's eyes
the clouds are as soft as a puppy's cry
The air is as inviting to you
as it is to a kite,
on a somber windy day
This roadblock is inviting you to take an adventure
it is begging you to stay.
pleading with you to pave its way.
 and below you:
 there's dirt,
this dirt if soft and fertile
this dirt is untouched but ready to be churned
this dirt is a new foundation
fresh from winter's fallen snow
there's even room for nature to grow.

but:

You see a road block with no path you know.

but what you dont see are that there are no boulders,
in front of you there is nothing too big that you cannot hold

so make your own path, give it go.
 

Jumpers Code:

So,
Youre at the edge again,
no, no,
not that edge, silly;

Youre on the edge again
the edge of making a jump
the edge of taking a leap into something new,

so,
youre on the edge,
again.

So youre standing there with anxious eyes and open arms
so youre standing there trying to figure out how to jump
so youre standing there trying to figure out if you should jump
youre standing there
trying to figure out who will catch you?

will he catch you?

so youre standing there
trying to figure out how to land on your feet.
How to jump and why to jump?
why jump?
should I jump?

and if I do
how am i gonna land?

but when I jump what should I remember?
Or do I want to forget?

Remember:
Don't lose yourself
and
remember who you are
and
be patient
life is beautiful in slow motion
I promise,
it's so wonderful when you can play it back
remember
not to be hesitant when when you feel the urge tohesitate
remember to speed up
but remember to always remember when to slow down

remember your first jump
remember to be gentle
remember to nourish your mind
remember how fun it was
not to take your time
but remember  that when you rush
remember that time flies by
remember to stay high. 

make sure you remember the second jump,
remember what it feels like when you dont land on level ground
remember what it feels like to jump back.
remember not to become someone's someone.
remember to stay you.
remember how miserable you felt
when you had to go searching for your previous self
remember how long it took
to start to feel new.

and remember the third jump
the one who made you wonder
the one who walked away
the one who made you cry
but you loved anyway
the one who drove you crazy
but you adored in the worst of goldfish ways
remember how long it took
for him to look your way
remember how nervous you were
that very first day
remember how cautiuosly you picked each word
and how swiftly you made sure his memory of you
would be one to stay
remember how excited you were
when he said what you had waited for him to say
remember how melted
when he told you he was leaving
on that cactus dry hot summers day
remember how much time you had and lost
remember that,
that one got away
before you said it was ok.

and the fourth,
the fourth one, the one who taught you how to skip,
the one who taught you how to bounce
the one who made you spin
the one who always faded
before you both could jump
the one who took years
to finally face the you and he fears
remember he taught you how to be a friend
and when you were both broken
remember how you taught each other how to mend.
remember the laughs
and the kisses
remember the sun
and the waves
remember those sunsets
remember that second first kiss
the most perfect second first kiss
remember the wait
remember it was worth it
remember the taste
remember the goodbyes.
remember those tears that made up
the happiest of good byes,
remember that smile,
Remember those eyes.
And in December,
remember he comes home
remember to be home.

But what the jumpers code cant tell you
is when to make take a step
when to take a step towards your jump
when to swallow your pride
the code cant tell you what the jump holds inside
truth is that jumping has no code,
just memories that will last forver for you to hold
and lessons left behind for you to mold.
just good times and bad times and stories to be told
just new jumps
that you hope share the right parts of the old jumps
one perfect jump.
thats all you need
just one,



one perfect jump.

Peep Show

I look back at the random words I once said:

I play them back in my head

The old role plays and flickers, theres only a few runs left

until the words that we said slowly turn up dead

The images are black white and static and if I watch closely enough
 I can feel the heat of those cold winter days, and taste the bite of the cold winter's night.

And so I listen a little closer and the images begin to speak

but all I hear are the
 decomposing memories of the words I wish I had said

your voice drifts

and so does mine

the lights go off but the sound comes on strong.
stronger it grows and my ears ring, my mind knows.

there's no mute button where my mind is going.

and there it is:

the sentence you spoke

and the words I never said:


"well maybe you talk too much"




Or maybe you listened too hard.

Maybe you listened so hard that the words I said turned into the words you thought
maybe you thought wrong with the words when we fought.
maybe you heard the words but not the meaning
maybe you should of listened as I was leaving.
maybe you shouldnt of tried so hard to keep me in bed
maybe if you had tried harder




We would still be dreaming. 



But as i wake up


I am grateful for leaving. 

I know all the wrong things to say:

I know that usually when a conflict arises between two people, girls especially, honesty is the best policy. But the thing about honesty is that if i honestly told people what I was thinking 95% of the time, my whole life would be a conflict. You see, i have no problem with seeing things differently then others and i have no issues with them being the same way. I dont think I should share my thoughts with anyone who actually knows me, that's why this big ol' empty internet space that no one's reading gets to hear them. And someone else, I tell him what's on my mind too, but he's in another continent and probably needed a break from my mind anyway. I miss you. Anyway, back on track...let me at least give some background to my rant, I never do that but lets get personal. So, here, at my third college, yes # THREE. I have this awesome roommate who is almost as awesome as my first roommate who's name sounds like a fruit but there is really no comparison to her, but this new one is as close as I could compare. So, this new roommate has this "fiance" and that alone, if you have ever read anything i wrote should begin to explain whats up with me and she. so this fiance also happens to be a reserve marine. and hes stationed somewhere that is not near. call me dr. fucking suess. anyway, they talk on the phone all day and if theyre not talking on the phone and they decide to text she makes sure to tell me what shes saying. and they video chat so then i get the pleasure of hearing both of them talk. She doesnt go out on weekends or at all for that matter because "she doesnt want too" but told the other girls i live with that its because if she goes out then he will "go to the strip club". so, i hope at this point that you see where i'm going. This girl, is a great girl, she is fun and i can see the wild 18 year old in her trying to break free of the life shes setting her self up for. but like most 18 year olds and hell, when i was her age i was there too, she thinks shes in love. and maybe she is and honestly that doesnt matter. but what does matter is that life does not stop. College is the last run of childhood and irresponsibility that we get. this is our last chance as people to blow it. to make stupid decisions to get black out drunk to make friends and memories this is the last great error of our young lives. This, right now, is our time and I just dont think it should be wasted on a phone. There is a world out there that is waiting to see you. And in her case there literally is, she has tons of friends that she no longer hangs out with since this "fiance" came about. I would fucking kill to have people begging me to come out with them and she just lets time pass her by. And who is she waiting for...a Marine. a whole nother issue in its self and that one i will keep to myself. So i may have mentioned how annoyed i was by her always being on the phone to the girls i live with but i did not do it in a way to hurt her feelings, i simply just was hoping that they would have some advice on how i should approach the problem but i guess they just went and told her i was "talking shit" what ever, not important. but it is true i dont know how to tell her mainly because if i say the truth about how i feel about an 18 year old locking herself in a room often crying and fighting with her boyfriend who pulls the suicide card and apparently threatens her with strip clubs if she goes out, well lets just say, i know all the wrong things to say. But honestly, yes HONESTLY, i feel bad for her, more then anything because i look back at myself and i wish i could of had some asshole tell me what was really up. I mean i wouldnt of listened and it wouldnt of mattered but i should of heard it...oh yeah, i did hear it. from my mama. who i didnt listen to, as usual. Mama is always right.


and im not spell checkin or grammerin so bite it.

Turtle Talk (poem)

-->

He said:

"We’re basically turtles, hard shells on the outside guarding our soft interiors."

And she turned to him and said:

Some of us are soft on the outside but hard on the inside, an open book but only until page 7 and hey, some of us are novels.

“Well, I only read the introductions to most long books”

Sometimes it’s hard to get through the first few chapters, but don’t you ever want to know the ending?

“I guess I never started a long book that I wanted to finish”

so she said:

I guess I’ve never met a turtle who’s shell I wanted to crack open…

He chuckles, turns and he fades away.

That lake sky, grey on that late summers day

Those flocking seagulls bound together

Cooing their caws

Screeching out, wondering if this is their last summer together, ever.

That cold North Country breeze couldn’t compare to the chills you made her feel.

Everything felt like hail.

And as the last page turned the intro was over.

The turtles stepped into the lake

And swam away

And that shell, never even cracked.  

(this was quick and unfinished but here it is)

Repitittion:

I've noticed a repeating element in all my let downs and that would be me. I guess now would be the time to take a stand to my "negativity" but the thing is, I am not negative. I am complex and confused, I am honest in my outburst and in all my uncontrollable actions, I am me. I would sit here and try and say that I will change but I don't think I can and if I did I wouldn't really be me anymore. If I was this ball of negativity that I had almost believed myself to be, I would not know love and positivity on the levels that I do. I would not understand the beauty in the simplicity that I do. I would not be the emotional mess of a person that I am. Emotions, at least when they come from me may seem negative, but they are raw. I am a raw person. I am an open book with pages just anxiously waiting to be filled. I am a hot mess in both actuality and the realities of my mind. I am exactly who I am whenever I decide I am it. And if you don't like me for me and you think another girl is better for you, so be it. But do not make excuses for your commitment issues. I am a greater risk then gain but if you take that risk you will gain. I am an optimist and I am sure life gets better. I know that to create the world i want I must confront the things that i don't want. I am upfront and guarded. I am reckless and irresponsible and I am sorry that i could not be the girl that you wanted me to be, I really am so fucking sorry. But I am not sorry for being me.

Hi there :)

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

Perhaps I think that is the best explanation to something utterly unexplainable. I think that people often times forget that there are many types of love. There is the love I share with my sisters' a pure and unbreakable unconditional love that no matter how annoying my little buggers may be, I love them, with every single part of me.   The love we have for parents, the love that we are born with, the love we cannot describe and never had to learn, because it was always there. The love for our greater family and depending on how yours in, it may be the same love you share with your parents or it might be a subtle flicker of polite sincerity that you don't really understand. There is love we have for our friends and depending on how long you have loved them that love may not be real. But the love that we think of when we think love, that love is frightening. The rumbling feeling when you feel your heart skip a beat and the air feels so heavy when you try to breath, only because your skin touched my skin. The desperate sinking lump in your throat when you think about love in terms of reality and time. The first spark you get when you feel your mind click with another mind and you realize that now, for the first time, this is real.

I love love and I love loving and I love you.  

1 Year:

I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.
Richard P. Feynman
Dwell on that;

One year ago on this day I was going to a funeral for a friend, that in my eyes can never die. So I guess I was just attending a gathering in honor of the life he lived on this planet. He was always too much for our world anyway, so I guess he had to go. And where ever he did go, I know it is wonderful. One year ago, not exactly on this day I was a train wreck of a human lost on my own crossroads in my young mind of confusion. A year ago I didn't think I would ever know what to do with myself. I'm not saying i know exactly now, but I have a pretty decent idea. The value of finally stabilizing my mind is much more important to me then being the wild fun person that most people know me as. Truth is, it's more fun to be in control of my reckless self. Not saying I'm always in control, hell, I barley ever am, but that's more then i could of said a year ago.
&If you read this, I love you, honestly.

Change is near:

I love summer, I really do. But I hate change. I hate those feelings of uncertainty when you're about to close a door and open another one. I hate not knowing if I'm gonna keep knowing you. I hate not knowing what the summer holds, I wonder who my friends will be a year from now. I wonder if this summer will change me. What if I do change? Will I still care to miss you, all of you? Or will we all just grow up and out of who we are. Are we growing into the people we're becoming or growing out of the people we are? I'd like to know, but I don't. I dont know anything, as usual. But what I do know is that for what its worth, I'm enjoying the ride. I really love life I just hate not knowing where it's taking me.

Coffee Cake

Here's the thing, I like who I am when I am it but then sometimes I don't think I am it anymore and suddenly, i don't like me so much anymore. Hell, I'm probably the most screwed up thinker I know but those thoughts never harm anyone, but myself that is. I can't do anything right perceivingly so, but i dont exactly think i'm doing anything wrong. Fuck it, maybe that's the problem; maybe whats right and wrong dont even fucking matter. Over the past how ever many years i've learned that no matter how much good you do in life, any bad will over shadow it and it wont matter. i wanna live in a world where people wanna be apart of something because they feel that part inside of them. not because it benefits them or looks good on a job application. i wanna live in a world where judgment isn't passed on selective terms. If you wanna be a judgmental piece of shit, be that person 24-7 not when its convenient for you. convenience is another, in my opinion, huge issue with the fucking world. there is no fire burning unless someone is cold and sometimes that's just fucking wrong. the Terms and conditions of life are all screwed up and I think my main concern is just trying to figure out how to get them to not apply to me. This shit is stupid.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

-Jack Handey

Sorry, I needed some inspiration.

Further more:
on the topic of the blasphemous lie we call love at the tender age of 19:
Truth is mother fucker, you better hope you don't find the love of your life at 19.
In-fact, I personally hope that i find that person when I'm i dont know, give or take 25-26, because i have a lot of life to live before I can worry about love. I have a world to love, and perhaps one day ill find someone to love the world with but for now, I just wanna love a six pack and a ranger game, packed out raves and lazer beams, being the one girl in a room who doesn't wanna look the same, speaking my mind and not giving a damn, and figuring out that the whole world is a scam.
Im not knocking on Love, i'm knocking on lies. we have so much life to live and loving someone this young can only lead to death a demise. There is nothing wrong with loving someone at 19, but being in love or better yet, beLIEving that you are in love at this age is absurd and a rarity beyond my understanding. For all those believers I support your spirit but really people, wake up.
There are much more important things to love in life right now, then being in love with the idea, of being in love.
Love the life you're living today because when you fall in love tomorrow, it might all be over.

Bumblebee Bitches. (Poem)

Friendship Necklace, Days when we were breast-less.
Flipping into pools, the only way to make us breathless.
Save your words, they're all respect-less.
But the issue I have,
the one that makes me restless
is what happened friendship being Sexless?
Now Stop.
Let's sit,
Take a second.
Now lets think:
When we were the happiest,
none of it involved this sappy shit.
Life was all about a ball
and how hard you could hit.
Not about how many bitches touched your dick
or all the tits you say you tricked.
What happened to the butterflies?
Fireworks in your eyes,
beaming bursts of energy that started deep inside,
looking at the clouds with race-less zebra skies.
Don't blame puberty for your demise,
nothing has to do with size,
just try and pretend you're a girl
looking through your sisters eyes,
hearing the cat calls
because with everyone I hear,
I wanna cry.
Each and every howl I feel a piece of my beauty die.
But all I ask of you,
is when you look at a girl,
do you still get butterflies?

I Hate Valentines Day (Poem)

"I Hate Valentines Day"
Something that I've heard every girl say,
in each and every tone and way.
But what I mean when I say " I hate Valentines Day",
is this:
There is nothing more Cliche then giving a bitch of a box of chocolates because society makes it ok,
on this one random day.
A dozen fucking roses? What a waste of your pay, everyone knows the prices get jacked up for the day.
Dinner and a movie?
Well that's a new way to stick it to me,
doing what every damn guy does,
just proves you never knew me.
Teddy bear, who the hell care.
Giant card?
Real clever, retard.
But what I'm trying to say,
it's not that I hate love,
It's that I hate Valentines day!
There's 364 days a year where I'd Happily accept all things cliche.
Because to me,
Love is more than a stupid day.
Bring me flowers because its may
and the warm spring air told you to bring me them
because you knew it would make my day.
write me a letter because you thought of a new way to say
"Hey I love you, in each and every way"
Give me a bear because you're further away than the oceans stare.
Send me candy with notes of our first glares.
Tie matching ribbons on our wrist with secrets for us, no one else has to care.
Tell me you love me 364 days a year
just not the on the day
everyone has to share,
that my love,
is what shows me you really care.

Germany

So since my long absence I have failed to mention that i went to germany. It was wonderfully breath taking in every way possible. I drank more then i can remember and saw more then i knew my eyes could see. I sang songs and drank beer in the oldest brewery in Munich while i was wearing traditional Beer Garden girl clothing. I fought A German sheep at a petting zoo. I stood in Marine Platz while FC Bayern played ManU in the play offs, and won. I felt more energy from drunken fans then I have ever felt in America. Do you know what its like to stand in the middle of what is honestly just a city and hear thousands of people singing the same song, all over a soccer match, well its absolutely and overwhelming the most energetic breath taking experience that i have ever experienced, and you my friend, you should try it too. I stood on the grounds that Oktober fest are held on, the grounds that are forever reserved for a festival that has been around far longer then even my beloved Omi. I climbed to the top of Saint Peters church and looked down on this magnificent city, all the redish rooftops bentheth the tallest tower, it's a law you know, they cannot build any structure taller. I saw a whole city shut down for easter, and i mean shut down, there wasnt a drop of beer to be sold that day and it was beautiful. It is the first time in my life that can honestly say that i admired unity. I danced in a club that held over 5000 people, met a soccer playing German Italian boy named Stefano, he was also, indeed, Beautiful. I saw the Olympic Village that tragedy so horribly struck and i rode a train that was so clean that it baffled me. I can really go on forever but what was most wonderful about my trip was that i got to see my cousins and meet my great aunts and i did it all with a girl that at one point i believed to be my best friend in the whole entire world.

a lot has happened heres what you should know.

1- Honey Badger dont give a shit.
(yes this is most important)
2- I had a boyfriend, shit was real, shit is no longer real in my mind.
3- he got a tattoo for me...2 months after we broke up.
4- its been a rough break up but im A-Ok with life right now.
5- i do not go to the college i started at. i dont want to talk about it directly, thats for you to figure out my little mysterions.
6-still love my cats.
7-my sisters arent really babies at all anymore.
8-go rangers, i believe.
9- chili dogs are gross
10- my hair got long even tho yall bitches dont know what i look like.
11- im at war with my dreams and ambitions right now, theyre fiercely fighting reality, do i want a job when i get out of school or do i wanna say "yeah, i chased that dream". i would give you an answer but i dont know, when i do however, i gotchu.
12- find one thing a day that inspires a thought that you would not of previously thunk, challenge your mind, see where it can take you. but dont drop acid, that shits bad for you.

Song of the dayyyy

soo, The Ting Tings, yes i've hopped on the band wagon a little late but who likes hay rides anyway? This is what i feel towards a few people in my life right now, i hear this song and suddenly im a funky British lesbian who dont give a shit. Let life happen, I promise it will be beautiful.

Shut up and Let me Go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-8iFO6Ww-o

Well Hello Hello big empty internet space, i've missed you.

So, forgive my absence for i was not really occupying my body for that time period of life anyway. Shit changed, life took some unexpected turns and I almost forgot to take the time to write everyday. But i'm back now, not forever but for what i can promise, I'll be here until you're reading my nonsense out of a news paper, yah know, the kind you pay 50 cents for, its made of paper, and you read it, you should go pick one up. I've picked up a fancying for poetry so you'll be seeing a great deal of that. I still will not be spell checking, or giving a shit for that matter. I've aged but my mind is still in the same haze of fucked up absurdity that we know and love. anywhosers bitches, no ones reading anyway, but if you are, I love you, honestly.